During Satsang today I had an experience, one that I’ve had before, in your presence, that I have a question about. As you were talking about the hot seat and about surrendering, something that I have been practicing a lot lately, I once again had this intense bodily sensation of expanding, of opening up. It was a blissful feeling, electric almost, and I had remembered you telling me when this happened before and It scared me a little that I was “stopping” it and then fear came in and to let it go next time, which I did. It seemed like every answer that you were giving to others questions were speaking directly to what I was experiencing, that I didn’t need to ask a question to receive an answer, I felt as if you had awakened the teacher inside of me and that I had the answers. As always, when this happens I get extremely emotional and I start to weep, which brings up a sense of shame (i’ve always been teased for being too sensitive and emotional). As this shame came up I noticed that I started to have the thought “is this experience real, what if your mind is tricking you because your desire for enlightenment is so great”. I thought “how can I trust this experience to be true” and I wanted to ask you about this but was too embarrassed because I knew I would get too emotional. When having these thoughts, I notice pretty quickly that these are just ways that my ego is trying to keep me from the truth, keeping me from “letting go” further and trusting in the experience and I also realize that the embarrassment that I feel, the holding back in asking you about this is also another opportunity to let go. So I don’t know if I have a question as much as I would just like to hear your thoughts and confirmation that I just need to keep letting go, because that is what my inner teacher keeps repeating to me, let go, expand and let go. Or is there a practice that I can use the next time this comes up for me that will take me deeper?
The experience you are describing, “It seemed like every answer that you were giving to others questions were speaking directly to what I was experiencing, that I didn’t need to ask a question to receive an answer”, is very familiar. I used to have the same experience with my teacher. It was not just that someone would serendipitously ask a the question I was having at that moment, but rather that a direct connection was established with my teacher “behind the scene” in such a way that he seemed to be reading my mind and heart like an open book and I was doing the same. I miraculously knew the words he was going to utter as he conceived them, right before they were spoken.
Regarding the shame brought about by your being emotional, it should be noticed that there are two kinds of emotions: negative emotions which originate from ignorance, and positive emotions, like the ones you are describing, which originate from our true nature. I am not sure we should be ashamed of our negative emotions, but I am certain that we should proudly show our tears of joy and love to the rest of the world. Like you and all Truth lovers, I would often cry during my teacher’s dialogues (men don’t cry!) and I ceased to be bothered by theses reactions of the body the moment I understood their source. I was just sitting there, like a child, free and careless, tears rolling down.