Location: Shanghai, China
A couple of nights ago, I woke up in a panic. My mind was touching such a profound and powerful truth, and I quickly pushed it away. I was frightened. I wasn’t ready. When I meditate, this is the very state I am trying to achieve, isn’t it? I feel so frustrated because I know that the only way I will ever be truly free of the suffering I have attracted in my life is by going to that place, and yet, a couple nights ago it didn’t feel like anything I have expected or wanted. There was such a deep and overwhelming sadness and pain in that brief awakening that sent me running for the hills, not wanting to see more, though, I know there was so much more waiting to be discovered. Just to think of the experience a couple of nights ago brings me to tears, not because I am sad, but because of something more, something I can’t articulate. I suppose I am asking for guidance, but of what specifically I don’t know. Perhaps interpretation, perhaps how to soften my resistance. Any thoughts are very much appreciated. Thank you. Sincerely, Aurora
I am sorry for the delay in answering your question.
The experience you are describing may be perceived as a missed opportunity, but there is not such a thing. All is well and unfolding a it should. Next time it happens, be ready to welcome the fear up to its very end. Like a sailor who attaches himself to the mast of his boat to endure the storm, take a firm hold in the truth of your own reality as the clouds of fear gather in your mind. Let’s face it: welcoming the display of the energies of your body-mind is not going to kill you, you can afford the experience. But don’t seek it, don’t try to resurrect the same circumstances. Surrender instead from moment to moment the totality of the landscape of your mind, body, world to the conscious presence to which it appears.